Asperatus

I interpreted my horoscope as meaning that seemingly rough times are only a means to my landing on me feet; like growing pains. If you're friends with me on Facebook, you might have noticed something of a status update rant from me today:

I believe that this is the first actual complaint I've posted on Facebook since I've moved. Previous to this, I may have made some observations about New England (ie "it's hot", "it's humid" etc), but I've been very careful not to complain. This was move was after all, MY choice and I've been trying to just live through the "firsts" as a Californian on the East Coast. Besides my pride, I'm not sure why I've been so tight lipped about any negative experiences. Is it the quarter century's worth of Vitamin D and C that has motivated this openness and enthusiasm for change? Maybe it's just a sense a humility, and referring to my previous post, just having the instinct to know that the new kid can't/ shouldn't be making any demands. Regardless of the precise pathology, my Facebook update came 36 hours after sitting on the thought, several drafts later, and finally reaching a point of having to share. 

Now that I've been out here for over 3 months, I've gotten used to as much as I can: getting on and off the T (train), humidity, using the buses, the cobblestone streets while wearing heels, driving aggressively (but safely), impending inclement weather, impatience for small talk etc... Speaking of small talk, if you were to ask my boyfriend (who I moved here with) about my first social experiences with Bostonians, he will gladly tell you about my interactions with the local movers, RMV (in CA we call it DMV), city officials, etc. These people were NOT about to have any small talk with me. And by small talk, I'm talking tiny like "hi, how are you?" or if I was ever to ask for additional information etc. There were no smiles, no gracious efforts to assist, no interest to be more helpful. BAD CUSTOMER SERVICE. But I'm over that. I get it. I'm not supposed to go out of my way for them, because that's not what they want, nor would they go out of their way for me. And I'm not supposed to take it personally-- it's "cultural." 

When I was making my way across the country by car, there were consistent remarks/advice about my move to Boston from Cali: from developing a thick skin to the awful weather to just being aware of the off-putting nature of Mass-holes, I was warned to watch myself. I got the feeling that as a Californian, I'd be a target, which I prepared myself for. And up until now, I think I've been doing really well. As many other displaced Californians have also testified to, I'm consistently told that I went the wrong way: it's supposed to be East to West, not the other way around. As the gracious Californian that I am, I joke about my backwards move, I do the whole "yes, I miss the sunshine" or "oh gosh it was so humid when I first got here" and "yea, I know, what will I do this winter? Multi-vitamins and tanning beds! Har har!" Up until now, I just saw this as small talk, but I obviously and very obliviously, I forgot about the #1 rule of small talk in the North East: get that shit out of here.

For the first time, the question of my origin wasn't just small talk: it was a deciding factor in the decision to hire me (or not). This position was pretty amazing. It really could've changed my life and created some cray cray opportunities that I hadn't imagined before and I was a shoo-in. My professional experience, references, and personality had landed me in the finalists' pool consisting of me and only one other. I dressed the part, wrote thank you notes, prepped and prepped... But you guessed it, I was the runner up. My recruiter informed me that the company decided to go with the person who was based out of the area. As soon as he told me that I didn't get it, I knew that it was because my home state is beautiful. Too beautiful. Sooo beautiful and perfect that there is no way I would stay out here in awful New England long enough pay off the investment they'd make in me. In each of the 4 interviews I had with them, the issue of me moving back to California came up. It was a concern from the start, but I had underestimated that California would outweigh my qualifications/ potential. 

So here I am, 36 hours after I got the news and I'm bummed. Specifically, I'm bummed because there isn't much I can do to prove that I won't move back at the first sign of snow, especially to native New Englanders. I mean, I totally get it: the prospective employers were afraid and were looking out for themselves. I get it.  And again, these people aren't happy California cows, they are New Englanders.

Willem Lange, a pretty well-known New Englander (who doesn't even have a Wikipedia page), famously wrote:

“What New England is, is a state of mind, a place where dry humor and perpetual disappointment blend to produce an ironic pessimism that folks from away find most perplexing”

Thanks, Willem. Thanks. I don't know what's more perplexing: my perception of New England, or New England's perception of me. 

If you're friends with me on Facebook, you'll know that I have other very promising prospects for employment. And if you're friends with me off of Facebook, you'll also know that I've got other plans in place for my time here. But if you're neither, just know that I'm fine. I'm just at this point now that the undulatus asperatus that I see when I look up at the cloud formations above me have yet to be understood. If the asperatus cloud rarely ever brings a storm, I should see it as a good thing right? But at what cost should a storm be avoided? Am I supposed to be ashamed my California roots? Does my initiation to New England have to include perpetual disappointment leading to the development of genuine ironic pessimism? 

A previous horoscope has given me hope that I will be able to look back at these experiences with a comforting sense of meaning, like it all had to be done to get to December:

Here's the horoscope I would like to be able to write for you by the first week of December: "Congratulations, Aquarius! Your quest for freedom has begun to bear tangible results. You have escaped a habit that had subtly undermined you for a long time. You are less enslaved to the limiting expectations that people push on you. Even your monkey mind has eased up on its chatter and your inner critic has at least partially stopped berating you. And the result of all this good work? You are as close as you have ever come to living your own life -- as opposed to the life that other people think you should live."

In conclusion, I know that I'm different and different often means scary. So I'm scary. I get that I'm not from here and therefore cannot be as easily read or trusted by natives to this area. BUT unlike the New England rule about small talk, my #1 rule is to never cock-block youself. I realize now that my motivation to never complain about how different/ scary it is out here is because I refuse to be scared out of having an experience. I will persevere, and most importantly, small talk or not, will never cock block myself. 

Now, I'm going to put on my Tupac shirt, California sweat pants, put on some West Coast rap, and make myself a carne asada burrito with french fries in it.